four minutes in mayhem.

5:19 am: Sleeping, probably well into REM cycle 4.

5:20 am: My phone jingles waking me up. My phone is usually set to vibrate, but on rare occasions I will leave the volume turned up. I have a text message, from Tonya, whom is "sleeping" in her room which is on the opposite side of the apartment. "Are you up?" reads her message. "I is now" I messaged back. (Secretly, I was hoping this ridiculously early morning text message was to ask me if I wanted Starbucks.)

5:21 am: I am stunned when she comes back with a message that says, "Someone's in the living room." WHAT? Wait…what?! Not, "Hey Penny, I can't sleep, going to run to Starbucks, want a double, tall, one pump, toffee nut latte?" Nope, instead I get, "Someone's in the living room." Have you ever actually felt adrenaline overrun your body? Unwanted? From head to toe? It's a peculiar feeling to have power and energy flush thru your veins, but be unable to act, unable to move. I was frozen. Yet my mind took off running, yes it did. Should I get up? Find a make-shift weapon to defend myself? Is Tonya in danger? I need to dial 911. Just when I thought I could not be anymore frightened, I realized that my phone was not on silent, (yes, it took me that long) and the intruder in our living room has surely heard my phone sounding off. I was screwed. He or she knew I was awake. I needed to dial the police and then Tonya, but I couldn't because I would be heard. The edge of my bed is somewhere around 4 feet from my bathroom door. Plan of action: I would jump, from my bed into my bathroom. Close and lock the door. Dial 911. Then check on Tonya. I figured if our phantom intruder tried to come thru my bathroom door, I at least had my hair cutting scissors for attack, and the police would be on their way. All of these thoughts were assaulting me at once, and yet I was still lying there, motionless, afraid to breath. I was fixated on the doorway from my room to the hallway, eyes straining to see if there was a shadow watching from the door. Hoping that even though my phone was sounding off, if I lay there lifeless that this fiend would think I was sleeping thru commotion of it all.

5:22 am: "Scared." Shit! Tonya stop texting me! I had no way of letting her know that my phone volume was turned up, and every time she texted me, it was making the situation escalate from bad to extremely bad for me…our intruder was surely headed for my room now! I finally mustered up the courage to make my body react in a proactive manner. Just as I was about to throw off my covers and leap for the bathroom, I heard Tonya's voice. As she stepped into my bedroom I was startled and relieved in unison. "I swear I heard someone in our living room," says Tonya. "You scared the shit out of me," I replied.
So…seeing that Tonya and I were not slaughtered in our beds by a psycho, blood thirsty serial killer last night, the following is an email from work this morning:

From: Tonya Murry Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:27 AMTo: Penny BakerSubject: RE:
I SWEAR I heard someone in the living room this morning

From: Penny Baker Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:31 AMTo: Tonya MurrySubject: RE:
I was about to lock myself in the bathroom and dial 911. My body flushed with adrenaline when you sent that message. Next time, insert the word, "think."
EXAMPLE:
Someone is in the living room. –PENNY PANICS.
I think someone is in the living room. –PENNY JUST ASSUMES TONYA IS CRAZY.

From: Tonya Murry Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:33 AMTo: Penny BakerSubject: RE:
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am rolling laughing


From: Penny Baker Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:34 AMTo: Tonya MurrySubject: RE:
It's true. this story goes in the hall o' shame.

From: Tonya Murry Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:35 AMTo: Penny BakerSubject: RE:
I am still laughing…I promise…I am not making it up…I swear there was something in there!

Friends, go to sleep with your phone set on silent, and a gun under your pillow. The End.