Ingredient One
This was initially a four page entry. But I did not want the lengthiness of my writing to detour you from reading all of its contents, for it is a personal testimony that resulted from some intense soul searching, and hopefully you, or someone you know, can extract some subsistence from my notions. Although I am sure my thoughts are not truly original, it’s all innovative to me. So, you are currently reading part one of four. Hopefully, it is somewhat cohesive.
I sit at the Regal Beagle, with my new sweetheart of a friend Spencer. As we shuffle thru the motions of the “getting acquainted” stage of a new relationship he asks a question that poses a problem. The problem being that, I do not know the answer to his question. “So what drives you?” he asks. I have never been asked this before. I never really thought about it. I did not know that I was driven??? It’s rare that I am at a loss for words, but this question successfully had me puzzled. I did a nice little tap dance for Spencer, but I never truly gave an answer that sufficed. After being annoyed with myself over my own lack of insight, I took some time to think and reflect upon this subject, and I composed this response.
For whatever reason I’m not very good at hiding what I want or desire. If I want it, I go after it…always have. I have gone through a couple of stages of trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, or of doing what others wanted me to do, and I just recently tapped back into who I certainly am. There is such peace in embracing who you are. I don’t even know why I ever cared about how I was perceived by others in the first place. I hope that those who know me consider me to be genuine. Every individual is created with specific and intrinsic, fashioning and fastens. Every person is bestowed with special and specific abilities, passions, gifts, and desires. When we learn to grasp a hold of what our passions and desires are, we discover authentic living and purpose. This is to say, your life’s purpose lies within your passions. So, all of the things that I am passionate about are that which drive me. I don’t have to question my inadequate existence when I know I am doing what I was created to do. I am content and also almost always rewarded by how others are impacted and affected as well. (I hope that finally answer your question Spencer.) “That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.”-- Garth Stein.
Those of you that have spent any amount of time with me, are aware of the fact that you have a walking, breathing, clumsy, living, ”rain cloud” for a friend. Whether I have locked my keys in my car in a “tan or get towed” parking spot on a Saturday morning shortly after cutting a chunk of skin out of my ankle while shaving, or I come home to find the apartment has flooded for the third time just after receiving a phone call that same day that someone has died, it doesn’t matter. Just details. I still have joy. I choose to believe everything is going to be okay. Bad things and amazing things happen to good people. Bad things and amazing things happen to bad people too. Life occurs for all people. Maybe there’s not a list to keep of good or bad experiences, or of the way a person behaves toward you, or of curve balls existence throws at your face. Maybe it’s just life, HAPPENING. I have also found that an optimistic faith-filled outlook on this life is the best way of navigation. Sadness is easier because its surrender. But I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free. Run forward, full speed, arms extended out in flight, with a goofy look on your face, even if you are being assaulted by a downpour of rain or stub your toe on unpredictable rock, just keep running. Just keep trusting. This is what we call, the art of racing in the rain*.
God is my happiness. He is my own personal miracle. Nothing is off the table and there are no limits when you believe in His power. Oh and, coffee helps too. Hope unswervingly and love extravagantly. I hold tight to theses convictions. My biggest fear- WAITING for everything to start, only to find out it's already over. So that fear drives me as well. With your mind power, your determination, your instinct, and the experience as well, you can fly very high. –Ayrton Senna
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